So, Why Am I Like This?: An Anxiety Story

Photography by Sarah Halwani

I like to think that I’m a pretty “balanced” person. I’m active, but not too active. I like to go out and drink, but typically only once or twice a week. I maintain a healthy diet, but I don’t buy into fad diets or restrictive eating (anymore). I’m very extroverted and social, but I love being alone and am fiercely independent (sometimes to a fault). I love to travel, be out and about trying new things, but I can also get down with a lazy Sunday (or weekend). I see myself as the perfect mix of woo-woo and boujee, and even though some people think you can’t have it both ways, I 100% believe you can and I’m not ashamed to admit that!

But, (as you may have guessed) I haven’t always been this way! In fact, for a very long time, my life was pretty much the opposite of balanced, and it wasn’t until recently that I came to the realization that the majority of my “issues” were simply the side effects of anxiety.

For as far back as I can remember, I have been worried. Constantly. About what? Pretty much everything. I also was a perfectionist. I put pressure on myself to be “perfect” at everything I did, no exceptions. I was a bit of a hypochondriac. I spent more time wondering about “what if’s” than I did thinking about what was actually happening in my life.

Naturally, high levels of anxiety came with a bunch of anxious behaviors and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I was a nail-biter. I remember having a stage in middle school where I would sit in class and pull my eyelash out. It would take me hours to fall asleep every night… until freshman year of college, when falling asleep was no longer a problem, but staying asleep became the issue. 

On top of alllllllllllllll of this, my stomach was always upset. You know that nervous feeling you get sometimes, maybe before a date or a big presentation at work? That was my every day. I’ve also experienced my fair share of full blown panic attacks… the kind where I’d start crying and wouldn’t be able to catch my breath. Fun, right?

Freshman year of college was when sh*t really started to get interesting. About 3 weeks into my first semester, I got sick… like really, really sick. I ended up in the hospital and it took a misdiagnosis and several doctors at 2 different hospitals to figure out what was wrong with me. It turns out that I had pancreatitis, which is essentially an inflammation/infection of the pancreas. I’ll spare you the details, but holy sh*t did it f*cking suck. I was in the most physical pain I have ever experienced in my life. I spent about a week in the hospital hooked up to an IV that pumped painkillers (helloooooo morphine!), anti-nausea medicine, fluids and calories into my system. I wasn’t able to eat or drink anything for days, and I ended up losing about 15 pounds. Once I was released, I was on bedrest for another week or so, was very weak, and couldn’t do much of anything.

While I was in the hospital, we learned that I fell into the 10% of pancreatitis cases that have no “known cause”, but speculated that it was brought on by the stress and anxiety of starting college. My doctor shot the idea down pretty quickly and just simply said that was impossible. Years later I would learn that stress and anxiety do, in fact, manifest in the gut, and it’s likely that I literally worried myself sick that year.

Now, somewhere in the middle of all this, I started exploring health and wellness. Specifically, I got really into clean eating after reading Skinny Bitch (the OG health and wellness bible of our generation). I gradually adopted a vegan diet (I had been vegetarian since sophomore year of high school), started paying attention to the ingredients in the foods I was eating, taking supplements, and going to the gym regularly. Totally harmless, right?

Well... sort of. This new “interest” of mine eventually became an obsession. I had an extremely regimented “diet” that consisted of pretty much only fruit and vegetables… until I would get drunk and demolish an entire pizza. I became obsessed with the number on the scale and definitely toed the line between being in really great shape and being too skinny.

On top of that, I was completely obsessed with my appearance and being the “skinniest” and “prettiest” girl in the room. I compared myself to everyone. I spent hours at the gym every week even though I hated being there. I still wasn’t sleeping. You could absolutely say that I was a f*cking mess.

All of this went on and on and on for far too long, and I reached my breaking point a few years later. I started going to therapy during my junior year of college, and figured some of my shit out, but even after college I still experienced anxiety on a daily basis. I was uncomfortable in my own body, I had low self-esteem, and I hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I talked sh*t about myself out loud and in my head constantly. The good news is, that in the midst of all this craziness, my interest in health and wellness was beginning to grow and evolve in a way that was positive.

I found yoga which has done more for my than I can put into words. Instead of being obsessed with my weight and appearance (for the most part, I still to this day have my moments!) I became obsessed with taking a holistic, balanced approach to life and with feeling good vs. looking good (but remember, when you feel good you look good!). Over the last few years, I’ve been able to shift my entire perspective in a major way and live my life how I want to live it, not how my anxiety tells me I “should” be living it.

So, you’re probably wondering what was it that did the trick. While I can’t pinpoint just one thing that changed it all or the one moment where everything shifted, there are many little things that all came together over the course of many moments. I’ve tried lots of different approaches, but what I’ve found has worked best for me are things like yoga, meditation, spending time in nature, following a morning routine, and eating well, but still allowing myself to enjoy my favorite guilty pleasures. It’s typically pretty consistent, but there are some things that work better in different situations than others… it all just depends on where my anxiety is coming from and what my mind, body and soul are craving at the time.

Do I still have panic attacks? From time to time. Do I struggle to get a full night’s sleep? Most days, yes. Do I spend time replaying things I said or did months ago that may have come across the wrong way in my head? Yep!! I also still worry about the future… things that haven’t happened & will probably never happen all of the f*cking time.

But, over the years, I’ve learned to manage my anxiety so that its impact on my day-to-day life isn’t so significant. Some days are certainly easier than others, and certain situations can still send me into a panic, but, overall, I feel better now than I have in my entire life, and have experienced the biggest shift of all in the last couple of years. Something just clicked. The pieces all finally came together and I work every single day to keep it that way. Most of the time, I can acknowledge that my anxiety is present, make a joke about it, and move on… most of the time.

So, this is where it all comes together. Over the years, my desire to share my passion for health and wellness and my pursuit of an anxiety-free life in the hopes of helping others learn to love themselves has grown. I want to talk about the things I’ve learned, what works for me, and why it works. I also want to talk about the things I’m still learning, the new things I’m trying, and anything and everything in between. Most  importantly, I want everyone to know that’s it’s possible to live a life that’s healthy and fun. That you don’t have to let your anxiety rule your life. That life isn’t about the number on the scale, and most importantly, that treating ourselves well and with kindness leads to inner peace, self-love, health and happiness.

Happy to have you along for the ride!

xo,
Kelsey